Cozy Christmas Cabin
Updated: Mar 11
In this short story, you get a quick glimpse inside the mind of a troubled heart. I wrote this back in 2020 in my free-time and decided to share. If you enjoyed this and would like to see it continued at some point, reach out and let me know.
When you open the door, the first thing you notice is the fireplace peacefully crackling in the living room, waiting for someone to bask in its presence.
The atmosphere was something out of a fairy-tale, an old cabin covered in snow in the woods, off the road where no one can see it. This is usually why I always visit, but it was different this year.
I usually don’t decorate to impress, clear a pathway to the cabin or even bother starting a fire. But this year in hopes of bringing a special someone, I did. I try to ignore this sense of loneliness that creeps around this time every year, but when someone is playing your heart-strings like an antique harp and isn't around to hear it, it’s hard to.
Over above the fireplace there was a red garland with some old hand made ornaments hanging from it. The tree to the right of the fireplace, in front of the bay window, was even chopped down from this property and decorated with what seemed like the utmost of love and care. It was almost to the ceiling, so close that there was no room for a star, and filled the entire cabin with the beautiful, sweet scent of a fresh Fir tree.
Taking a glance around my space again, I realized the type of magic that came from decorating this cabin and it was baffling.
Seeing the colorfully wrapped handful of presents under the tree clash with the dark wood flooring and beautiful lights put a smile on my face for what felt like the first time in a long time.
I always think about you. Do you think about me?
I know she’s not coming, but the simple comforting thought that maybe she wants to, was enough to ease the troubled heart for now.
Even though being alone can be scary some days, it’s almost comforting at times. After a while you get accustomed to it and it becomes your new normal.
That is, until someone else comes along and shakes up your new normal.
She had never visited the cabin with me, even though I always picture us coming here together with smiles so far and wide that the only thing missing was a camera crew for a new dental commercial.
I imagine that we'd laugh, play in the snow and I always think of tackling her in it for a cliche movie kiss before we walk inside to warm up. I like to picture how her face would be when she finally saw how I decorated this mess of a place and then how she'd probably poke fun at me for being one of those people, even though we both know she is too.
I even think about us watching old Christmas reruns on the couch by the fireplace with eggnog, in cringe-worthy matching pajamas of course, with my arms around her so tight like she could fall out of them at any moment.
But that’s just me being me with a hopeful imagination, even though it's almost like I can feel her next to me sometimes, lightly running her fingers along my arm.
I knew she wouldn’t be here with me this year, but I still made myself decorate like she was. It still brought me a sense of joy and it made me live in the moment, something that I find very difficult to do.
When you’re an over-thinker you tend to ruin your own fun and that's exactly what I do. There’s always something that can go wrong and I'll be the one to think of it, no matter how far-fetched those things may be. It’s similar to fighting my own instincts to live in the moment but that’s what she makes me do, so easily too.
Before her, I wasn’t really sure what that meant, but I’m learning.
We’re not together though and quite frankly probably won’t ever be. Maybe that’s just me picturing the worst-case scenario, but sometimes we tell ourselves these things to maybe lessen the blow later on.
We’re good friends. Friends with mutual feelings that probably go better left unsaid most days.
You ever hear those stories where it all started with a look? I never used to buy in to those until I became the story-teller. It’s like the world stops and you don’t even realize.
You’re not thinking about their eyes or what they’re wearing or even where you are. Because for those few hour long seconds, you’re struck by their presence and you feel it in the pit of your stomach so much that you’re at a loss for words. It’s a great feeling that you probably never felt before that moment, but then before you know it, that moment is over and you're behind in the conversation.
You’re stuck thinking, who is this and how can I feel that again?
What if they’re special?
I thought I was crazy, I am crazy, but the things you feel are what make you human, crazy or not.
I sat down on my worn in leather couch over by the fireplace and took a second for myself to enjoy the peace, it was the Saturday before Friday’s Christmas. There wasn’t going to be a party or anything, but the closer we got to Christmas the more I felt the heaviness in my chest. It’s that time of the year where there’s too much to think about.
Before I knew it, the peace was gone and I felt a buzz come from my pocket.
With a sigh, I set my phone aside to answer later. It was time to start thinking about everything I had to get done.
After a few moments of dreading leaving the comfort of the couch, I stood up and walked down the small hallway connecting to the master bedroom and bathroom. It had a small walk-in closet next to the door leading to a shower that looked like NASA themselves designed it.
I shoved and stacked the rest of the presents I acquired throughout the year for everyone here. I opened the closet expecting things to fumble out on top of me, but apparently I knew what I was doing when I stacked them this time around.
I should probably save these few for last, I thought to myself grabbing the presents for her off the top, best for last right? I smiled and let out a slight chuckle to my own thoughts.
I stacked the four presents for her on a shelf to my right, revealing everybody else’s on the bottom. One by one I went through and started marking what was for who and picking the box and paper. This is always something I take my time with, carefully planning out each individual gift with the perfect look and the perfect tag.
I was about halfway through my wrapping marathon, on what is possibly the comfiest king bed you would ever have the pleasure of sitting on, when I felt another buzz in my pocket.
Knew I forgot something.
Welcome to the cool kids club!
My name is Jamie and I'm a young (ish) transman born and raised in the Hudson Valley of New York state. I started my transition in May of 2017 and since then, I've made it my mission to live unapologetically as myself and spread awareness through my pursuit of happiness. I am the creator and writer of Spilling T blog, a proud affiliate of TransTape and when I'm not outside with the best dog ever or hanging out with my two cats, I make and sell my own beard care products through Buckaroo's Beard Care. I'm always looking for my next adventure and have been skydiving, road-tripping, hiking in the mountains and even served for a short time in the United States Marine Corps. My life has had its fair share of twists and turns and I hope to use those experiences to create helpful and relatable content that may help someone else navigate a difficult time in life.
Beards, Socials, Tape and Writing
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